Noise

Noise. It fills your every orifice and somehow, overpowers that amazingly loud mind you once couldn't get to quit talking. Noise from your mind, noise from the stereo, noise from the people around you. Noise. It keeps yo from what you really need- one clear thought that drives you. Noise is not just some fictional  fantastical idea from a novel. In all honesty, noise fills every part of my life; and those few moments when its not so noisy, when I can hear myself think, are the ones I live for. Not just those random thoughts that go through your mind, but those thinks that you think up, really wanting to consider or understand something. Somehow, they get lost in the mix.
I guess a lot of stuff gets lost the same way, revolutionary ideas, important reminders, recognition of some amazing new connection, all gone within a second. I'm sure that if we were to travel to the land of the lost, we'd find far more groundbreaking ideas than humanity would ever be able to explore.

Now, if it were just ideas that got lost this way, it would be alright, but sometimes I feel as though pieces of me get lost in there too. There's people, constantly around you filling you with their ideas and opinions. knowingly or unknowingly,you start to conform to their ideas. Maybe its because you admire something about them, maybe its just that you want to belong somewhere, but in the end, a part of you gets sacrificed. Sometimes its a good thing, you might lose that part of you that held you back, you might lose that part of you that loved to criticise you. The people who help you get rid of these parts help you grow into something more, help you free yourself in ways you may never understand. And then, there are the parts that you lose that you ache for later. You ache for your own opinions, your ideals, your fearlessness. I know I ache for these. The pangs have been there for so long that they have become a sort of phantom limb pain. In so many ways my aches have started to consume me.

The person that I used to be misses herself. I, the new me, misses her too. These aches have left me with the feeling that I've lost all that I used to be. My thoughts, my dreams, got lost in everyone else's and my own noise. Its as though all that I have now is not mine, it is simply from the people around me. The little girl with the stars in her eyes and a head full of opinions is now old me- a head filled with confusion, noise, stereotypes and prejudices that aren't her own and eyes are still looking at the stars, but have lost all lustre.

PS: I must say, this post was inspired by a long talk with the bestest friend on the planet and a book-"The Knife of Never Letting Go" by Patrick Ness. I think this is a n explanation for why I temporarily abandoned this blog. To you, my much abused readers, if you're still there, I'm terribly sorry. I hope you will be patiebt with me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!...Oh, wait…nope, not yet.

January 1, 2012 (01:07 am): New Year. What's so great about it anyway? We
wait a whole year, piling sooo much hope on this one, single night, and
more often than not, it doesn't live up to it. This new year has been a
little like that, but being the optimist I am , I can't, won't let this
night be seen as a complete failure…just a bit of a flop, I guess. So,
without further ado, HEEEERE'S 'WHY'-
When you decide to do a flash mob on New Year's Eve at exactly 00:00 am,
my advice? Check your equipment (and yes, that DOES include your
choreographer and the dancers) a 100 times over, lest SOMEBODY forgets a
stereo here, or a song there. So, that's my New Year story; I planned a
flash mob and it failed…miserably.
While it's true that not everything was my fault, I guess that sometimes,
you just have to step down and accept defeat. So after about ten sprints
back and forth to make it happen, the time had passed and I found myself
alone on New Year, looking for a stereo and pushing for something that
wouldn't happen anyway.
Now, you're probably wondering, she botched it; why write about it? Well,
(in my wisest voice) despite ALL this, my New Year's Eve had its moments.
For one, its helping me find the answer to the BIG QUESTION, hanging over
all our minds 'Is there a GOD?' Let me say, as a reformed atheist, there
is. It's my friend, the one who FINALLY got me the music I needed, just
when I started losing all hope. He ran in with it and smiling, he
said….uh,
he said….well, I don't really remember what he said, but that's not
important- he got me the tunes, and that's all that matters. Of course,
it's also helping me decide what kind of job I might do in the future- NOT
EVENT MANAGEMENT!! And, I made my token silly resolution- to wink at my
roommate EVERY morning. By the end of the night, I felt that maybe, just
maybe, I didn't need songs or a stereo at all. Perhaps all it takes is a
really cool teacher and his rapping to get us going (even if 'us' includes
VERY few people- but hey, you can't have it ALL, right?)
I've learnt a really important lesson-you can't set too much store by
just one night. Why? Well, simply because things have a way of not working
out every now and then. I think that the smart thing to do (and I say this
at the risk of sounding extremely patronizing) is to find a little
excitement in each day- max out the highs and ride through the lows. So
that's my New Year resolution this time (no matter HOW clichéd it sounds)-
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day. I'll let you know soon enough
how this new experiment works out.