Noise

Noise. It fills your every orifice and somehow, overpowers that amazingly loud mind you once couldn't get to quit talking. Noise from your mind, noise from the stereo, noise from the people around you. Noise. It keeps yo from what you really need- one clear thought that drives you. Noise is not just some fictional  fantastical idea from a novel. In all honesty, noise fills every part of my life; and those few moments when its not so noisy, when I can hear myself think, are the ones I live for. Not just those random thoughts that go through your mind, but those thinks that you think up, really wanting to consider or understand something. Somehow, they get lost in the mix.
I guess a lot of stuff gets lost the same way, revolutionary ideas, important reminders, recognition of some amazing new connection, all gone within a second. I'm sure that if we were to travel to the land of the lost, we'd find far more groundbreaking ideas than humanity would ever be able to explore.

Now, if it were just ideas that got lost this way, it would be alright, but sometimes I feel as though pieces of me get lost in there too. There's people, constantly around you filling you with their ideas and opinions. knowingly or unknowingly,you start to conform to their ideas. Maybe its because you admire something about them, maybe its just that you want to belong somewhere, but in the end, a part of you gets sacrificed. Sometimes its a good thing, you might lose that part of you that held you back, you might lose that part of you that loved to criticise you. The people who help you get rid of these parts help you grow into something more, help you free yourself in ways you may never understand. And then, there are the parts that you lose that you ache for later. You ache for your own opinions, your ideals, your fearlessness. I know I ache for these. The pangs have been there for so long that they have become a sort of phantom limb pain. In so many ways my aches have started to consume me.

The person that I used to be misses herself. I, the new me, misses her too. These aches have left me with the feeling that I've lost all that I used to be. My thoughts, my dreams, got lost in everyone else's and my own noise. Its as though all that I have now is not mine, it is simply from the people around me. The little girl with the stars in her eyes and a head full of opinions is now old me- a head filled with confusion, noise, stereotypes and prejudices that aren't her own and eyes are still looking at the stars, but have lost all lustre.

PS: I must say, this post was inspired by a long talk with the bestest friend on the planet and a book-"The Knife of Never Letting Go" by Patrick Ness. I think this is a n explanation for why I temporarily abandoned this blog. To you, my much abused readers, if you're still there, I'm terribly sorry. I hope you will be patiebt with me.